This morning walking by this dumpster my brain did not register the "green bag" next to the dumpster as "human" and than I realized it was a person in sleep mode.
It was heartbreaking. Most everyone who reads my blog/journal/knows it is my art and my art process is spontaneity, stream of consciousness so my mind went to this sad yet innovative person who found away to stay warm and almost invisible and may even have slept sounder than I. My hair continues to fall out, I feel ill and stressed from trauma I need to put behind me and heal and some stuff that feels like on going stress that makes it feel just hard to live here. Seeing homeless people gives you perspective, their struggle is right out there to see. Many feel safer out in the streets than in a shelter. Very very sad and no easier answers.
I thought of the NYPD and I just felt very sorry for them. New Yorkers have the highest standards and expectations for the NYPD me included. I know they are in for budgetary cuts and I want them to work with the media even more than they do to catch rapists, robbers, criminals with NY1, newspaper /all their websites and make their websites easier to search by "crime" and location. I have other thoughts but this morning I thought to myself I could never handle being a police officer. It is just too tough, just to "witness" to see so much that society wishes to never see let alone police it.
Yesterday a young man with a tattoo on his face asked me for money and I just ignored him but I was happy a kind woman with an animal org. bag handed him money. Than she chatted with me and talked about how young he is and that the 5 dollars probably didn't help but I assured her that he would remember just the gesture, the kindness. It was freezing cold and he was not warmly dressed but her gesture was sincere and warm.
This morning I was so cold I was listening to music with earphones and singing out loud. Singing made me feel warmer. A woman runner with zero body fat passed me and I wished I could run but my knees are shot. I think my singing attracted attention as a potential victim and a man came up behind me but as he did 2 guys came out of a door right by me and it made me feel very safe plus there is a small diner on the corner so I knew if I needed help there were resources. This guy gave me the creeps. Rather than step in front of me and the guys he crossed the street and left me alone.
I just think we are in for tougher times and it is going to get worse before it gets better.
Feel very cold and blue this morning.